Language 12 min 2 reflection exercises

Sonder

The realization that every stranger carries a universe as complex and detailed as your own.

In short

Sonder is the sudden realization that every stranger you pass lives a life as complex and detailed as your own. The word originated not in academia, but in 2012 through John Koenig's artistic project The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, created to name elusive human emotions. Experiencing sonder transforms the people around you from background extras into distinct individuals with their own memories, griefs, and aspirations. Rather than guessing another person's specific thoughts, it represents a humbling recognition of the sheer depth of consciousness present in every human being.

In everyday consciousness, the people around us often function as anonymous shadows or extras in a movie where we play the lead role. The bus you board moves through a blur of faces, and streets are filled with figures who pass by without leaving a mark on your mind. Yet when a perceptual shift occurs, a sudden awakening takes place, hitting with full force: every single person on the sidewalk carries an inner universe just as vivid, messy, and ongoing as your own.

Origin and Cognitive Background

The term sonder does not possess ancient roots in Latin or Greek, but was created in 2012 by writer and artist John Koenig in his project The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Koenig aimed to construct new words for subtle, elusive feelings that lacked established names in the English language. Because how language shapes thought affects how we perceive the world, a new concept allows us to identify and reflect upon mental states that might otherwise pass unnoticed in daily life.

In psychological terms, this experience relates to Theory of Mind — the cognitive capacity to understand that other individuals possess their own thoughts, intentions, and emotional states distinct from our own. While humans develop this understanding in early childhood, the default cognitive mode for adults frequently remains egocentric. Our own feelings and bodily sensations are broadcast at maximum volume, whereas the inner lives of others become quiet background whispers. When sonder occurs, an immediate volume boost takes place regarding the internal world of others. Rather than merely possessing theoretical knowledge that others feel things, we are struck by a visceral sense of the sheer depth of consciousness across eight billion fellow human beings. Just as cognitive limitations like [Dunbar's number](dunbars-tal-gransen-for-dina-relationer-fordjupning) constrain the number of stable social relationships we can maintain, sonder reminds us that every anonymous individual beyond our circle holds a complete and continuous life story.

Two Everyday Situations

Consider waiting in a crowded airport terminal where a flight has just been delayed for hours. The immediate reaction is often frustration and annoyance at the noise, crowdedness, and lack of seating. The people around you easily register as a collective obstacle to your personal comfort. If the realization of sonder takes hold, attention shifts from personal dissatisfaction to the individuals nearby. The man frantically reviewing papers in a corner might be traveling to a career-defining interview, while the woman wiping away a tear on the phone could be rushing to a relative's bedside. Suddenly, the terminal is no longer merely a place of delay, but an intersection of hundreds of ongoing human journeys.

Another clear example occurs during peak traffic. When a car abruptly merges ahead of you, the instinctive impulse is often anger toward the driver. In that moment, the other vehicle is reduced to an irritating object blocking your path. Applying sonder allows you to recognize that the driver behind the wheel might be experiencing severe stress, dealing with unexpected bad news, or consumed by a family crisis. This realization does not excuse poor driving, but it dismantles personal anger by replacing a hostile interpretation with an awareness of human complexity.

Application in Leadership and Relationships

Actively practicing sonder yields practical benefits in collaboration, leadership, and conflict resolution. Within professional environments, we often form hasty judgments when a colleague underperforms or reacts strongly to changes. Instead of dismissing the behavior as unprofessionalism, sonder serves as a reminder that the colleague carries an invisible network of personal commitments, stressors, and private history. This perspective counteracts our inherent egocentrism, where we otherwise overestimate how much others observe and evaluate our actions — a phenomenon known as [the spotlight effect](spotlight-effekten-fordjupning).

In close relationships and interpersonal conflicts, sonder provides an effective tool for defusing rigid positions. During an argument, it is easy to become fixated solely on one's own intentions and perceived grievances. By recognizing that the other party possesses an equally valid, intense, and complex inner reality, the focus shifts from winning an argument to truly understanding the other person's perspective. The concept also offers comfort during times of loneliness; acknowledging that all human beings share the same fundamental conditions fosters a quiet sense of connection with the surrounding world.

Cognitive Limitations and Pitfalls

Despite the positive aspects of sonder, significant cognitive and emotional limitations exist. The human mind and emotional apparatus are not built to process the deep emotional reality of thousands of strangers simultaneously. Attempting to continuously empathize with the hardships of every passing stranger would swiftly result in compassion fatigue and mental exhaustion. Our capacity for empathy requires boundaries to function sustainably in daily life.

Another pitfall is projection and fictional narrative construction. When experiencing sonder, it is tempting to fabricate specific storylines for strangers and assume we understand their lives. However, sonder is not about mind-reading or guessing another's thoughts, but about maintaining humility toward the reality of their distinct inner existence. Believing one knows precisely what a stranger is going through risks becoming romanticized assumption rather than genuine humility. Finally, experiencing sonder should not remain a passive, aesthetic observation. If the realization does not translate into practical consideration, courtesy, and respect in daily interactions, the concept loses its practical ethical value.

Common Misconceptions

A common misconception is that sonder is an established psychological or linguistic term with ancient etymology. The word is a neologism created within an art and poetry project, meaning it lacks clinical or academic standing. This does not diminish its usefulness for personal reflection, but recognizing its artistic origins prevents misunderstandings.

Another misconception is that sonder requires feeling sympathy or liking everyone one observes. It is entirely possible to experience sonder toward someone whose actions one strongly dislikes or condemns. Sonder does not demand approval of someone's behavior, but simply a recognition of their human complexity. Finally, many forget to apply the concept reflexively to themselves. Sonder is a reciprocal realization: at the same time you observe a stranger on the street, you are merely an anonymous silhouette in their field of vision, a minor detail in a story that does not revolve around you.

“Every passing stranger lives a life as epic and complicated as your own, continuing to write their own story while invisibly shifting the scenery in yours.” This quote by John Koenig captures the essence of sonder: understanding that the people around us have their own independent dramas and goals, regardless of whatever minor role they happen to play in our own lives.
— John Koenig, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Sources

Club Spotlight: Sonder - Concordia College — Concordiacollege
To Ponder Sonder, is to Wonder Yonder. - Future Reality Lab — Nyu
Sonder | Patricia & Phillip Frost Art Museum - FIU — Fiu
Sonder: Perpich Studio Arts Summer Project Exhibition - September, 2019 — Mn

Reflection exercises

Use these exercises to apply the chapter's ideas. You don't need to write anything down — just pause and reflect on each question.

Reflection exercise 1

Shift Your Focus

Try this mental exercise when you find yourself on public transit or in a waiting room.

Select a stranger nearby whom you would normally ignore or overlook.
Remind yourself that this person possesses a complete inner life with childhood memories, private worries, and future plans.
Notice how your attitude toward your surroundings and your own stress shifts when acknowledging their parallel reality.

Reflection exercise 2

Mirror Your Background Role

Use this reflection next time you move through a public space.

Observe people around you and realize that to each of them, you are merely an anonymous figure passing by.
Reflect on how it feels to be an invisible extra in someone else's universe.

Summary

Sonder articulates the realization that every person you encounter possesses an inner life with the same depth, complexity, and history as your own. The concept challenges our inherent tendency to view ourselves as the center of existence and offers a perspective that fosters deeper empathy toward others.

Read the short version in the archive.