Sonder
The realization that every stranger carries a universe as complex and detailed as your own.
You are sitting at a café next to a busy square. A woman in a red coat hurries past with a cup of coffee in hand. An older man stops, checks his watch, and frowns. A teenager laughs at something on their phone. Normally, these people function as background figures in your existence – extras in the feature film where you play the lead role.
But sometimes a shift in perception occurs. You look at the woman in the red coat and suddenly realize that she carries an entire life story. She has childhood memories you will never hear, an insecurity she hides from her colleagues, a first love she occasionally thinks about, and a specific worry about tomorrow. The same goes for the man with the watch and the teenager with the phone. They all have an inner consciousness that is just as intense, sharp, and messy as your own.
It is this revelation that is called sonder. It is a feeling that combines humility, vertigo, and a deep sense of connection with the people around us.
What is it about?
The word sonder is not an ancient expression from Ancient Greek or a Latin technical term. It was coined in 2012 by the writer and artist John Koenig in his project The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Koenig's goal with the project was to create words for the subtle, elusive emotions that many people experience but that lack official names in traditional dictionaries.
In psychology, we speak of Theory of Mind – the ability to understand that other individuals have their own thoughts, intentions, and feelings. We develop this ability in early childhood, but cognitively, we often continue to navigate the world from an egocentric perspective. We experience our own needs and feelings at maximum volume, while the inner lives of others become quiet whispers in the background.
Sonder is the moment when the volume of others' inner lives is suddenly turned up. It is an intuition that the world consists of eight billion parallel stories, where every human being is the protagonist of their own tale. It is not just about understanding facts about another person, but about feeling the dizzying vastness of their consciousness.
When language gives us a word for this experience, it becomes easier to evoke and reflect upon it. Being able to name the state of sonder allows us to transform a fleeting, mysterious feeling into a practical tool for empathy and personal growth.
Concrete examples
Practical Use
Actively practicing sonder can change how you interact with the world around you in several important contexts. In leadership and collaboration, the concept is a powerful counterweight to jumping to conclusions. When a colleague misses a deadline or reacts strongly to a change, it is easy to dismiss them as unprofessional or difficult. By applying sonder, you remind yourself that your colleague has an entire network of personal life, stressors, and history that you cannot see.
In conflict resolution and relationships, sonder serves as a brake on self-centeredness. In the course of an argument, we tend to focus entirely on our own intentions and feelings. When you realize that your partner or friend experiences the situation from an inner universe that is just as valid and complex, it becomes easier to shift from winning the debate to actually understanding the other person.
The concept is also an excellent tool for mental well-being. When we are struck by loneliness or feel insignificant, sonder can provide a comforting sense of belonging. You do not need to know everyone to feel a connection with them. It is enough to acknowledge that you share the same fundamental human condition.
Limitations and Pitfalls
Even if sonder is an enriching insight, there are clear limitations. The greatest risk is cognitive and emotional overload. The human brain is simply not built to process the emotional depth of thousands of strangers simultaneously. If we constantly tried to empathize with and engage in the fate of every passerby, we would quickly suffer from empathy fatigue and mental exhaustion.
Another pitfall is projection. When we experience sonder, it is easy to make up stories about other people and believe that we know them. It is important to remember that sonder is about acknowledging that they have an inner life, not that we actually know what it contains. Believing you know what others feel without asking is instead called assumption or romanticizing.
Finally, sonder must not become a passive, aesthetic feeling where we merely sit and enjoy the thought of humanity without it leading to genuine consideration, kindness, and fair treatment in practical life.
Common mistakes
A common mistake is to think that sonder is an ancient, established concept from linguistics or psychology. It is important to know that it is a poetic and artistic neologism. That does not make it any less useful, but it lacks clinical or academic status.
Another mistake is confusing sonder with mind reading. Sonder is not about figuring out exactly what someone is thinking, but about the humility of realizing that they are thinking about something that is just as important to them as your thoughts are to you.
Many also believe that sonder requires feeling sympathy for or liking everyone you see. You can experience sonder toward a person you strongly dislike. Sonder does not require sympathy for a person's actions, only an acknowledgment of their human complexity.
Finally, many fail to apply the concept to themselves from the perspective of others. Sonder is a two-way street: just as dizzying as it is to realize a stranger's inner life, it is just as useful to understand that you yourself are merely an invisible shadow fleetingly passing through their field of vision.
Every passing stranger lives a life as epic and complex as your own, where they continue either writing their own story or invisibly shifting the scenery in yours.
Thinking exercises
Use the exercises to put the chapter into practice. Reflect on each step in your head.
Turn the Extra into a Main Character
Do this mental exercise the next time you find yourself in a public place with a lot of people around you.
- Focus your gaze on a complete stranger nearby.
- Notice a small detail in the person's clothing, body language, or expression.
- Imagine what this person might have been thinking about when they woke up this morning.
- Remind yourself that this person has childhood memories and secrets just as vivid as yours.
- Feel how your perception of the person shifts from an object in the room to an equal human being.
Disarming Everyday Irritation
Use this reflection when you feel someone in a public setting is irritating you.
- Think of a person who recently irritated you in traffic, in line, or on the bus.
- Notice your immediate impulse to judge or label the person.
- Ask yourself what invisible crisis or immense stress the person might be going through right now.
- Realize that your experience of the situation is only a fraction of the full picture.
- Notice whether your frustration eases when you acknowledge the person's unknown context.
The Focal Point on Public Transit
A short thought exercise for the train ride, the bus, or when sitting in a waiting room.
- Imagine the room or carriage you are in as a network of consciousnesses.
- Pick out three people without disturbing them with your gaze.
- Reflect on the fact that all three have completely different worldviews, sorrows, and dreams.
- Realize that none of them has the faintest idea what you are feeling right now.
- Allow yourself to feel the dizzying vastness of all these parallel lives.
Reflect on Your Role as an Extra
This exercise helps you see yourself from the perspective of the world around you.
- Think of a place where you walked past many people earlier today.
- Imagine how you looked through the eyes of one of those strangers.
- Realize that to that person, you were just a blurry figure passing by in the background.
- Think about how all your deep thoughts were completely invisible to them.
- Accept the feeling of being both the center of your life and an extra in others'.
Sonder in Deadlocked Conflicts
Use this thought experiment when you are stuck in a disagreement with another person.
- Identify a person you currently find difficult to understand or get along with.
- Set your own arguments and emotions aside for a moment.
- Imagine the other person's entire day and all the pressures leading up to your encounter.
- Ask yourself what past life experiences make them see the situation the way they do.
- Identify a small step you can take to respond to their complex reality.
The Power of Language Over Experience
Reflect on how new words can change the way you perceive the world.
- Think about how you experienced the feeling of sonder before you had a word for it.
- Consider whether the concept of sonder makes it easier to evoke the feeling again.
- Ask yourself what other nameless emotions you often experience in your daily life.
- Imagine how your empathy would develop if you actively sought out more insights like these.
Summary
Sonder is the realization that every stranger you pass lives a life as epic and complex as you do. By naming this experience, the concept helps us break our innate egocentrism and cultivate a deeper empathy in everyday life.
Read the short daily version in the archive.